Being angry well during conflict is a noble goal to have. After all, Ephesians 4:26 commands us to us “be angry and do not sin.” Being angry in conflict usually isn’t a problem, but being angry and not sinning is hard work! Anger can boil up in me pretty quickly. If I don’t ask for God’s help to process my anger, it can come upon me like a mugger, leaving me feeling helpless and out of control. But by God’s grace, I have found that anger does not have to highjack me of my self-control. When I start getting angry, I ask myself three questions:
1. First, I ask, would God be upset at this? Abortion, murder, racism, rape, greed, favoritism, corruption in government…. there are many things that should make me angry. These things should not be and I want to cry out, “That is wrong!” Jesus was angry when his temple was turned into a market for goods (Matthew 21:12-13). To be angry well in conflict, we must be able to make proper judgments and call sin sin. Righteous anger comes with the right supplements. Jesus was both angry and grieved at the unbelief that he saw in the Pharisees (Mark 3:5). Similarly, when we encounter the ugliness of sin in others, we should be both angry and grieved at the misery of sin.
2. Second, I ask myself whether I am more upset that a sin or injustice has taken place which offends God and takes away from the external manifestation of His glory, or whether I am more upset that my personal rights have been violated. Sin against me is wrong and creates a debt from the offender to me. But I should be more concerned that the external manifestation of God’s surpassing glory is being clouded out, rather than worrying that my own rights are being trampled on. I remind myself that sin against me reflects the heart of my offender and the primary offense of sin is godward, or vertical (Psalm 51:4, Luke 15:18, Genesis 39:9). Too often I see an offender’s sin against me only personally, focusing on only the horizontal offense of sin. I then respond with my own sin rather than returning evil with good (Romans 12:14-21).
3. Third, I ask myself whether or not my anger is being exhibited through righteous anger. David Powlison says it well: “The clearest gauge of whether anger is right or wrong in its expression is whether it acts to condemn or to offer help.” (Journal of Biblical Counseling, 14:1, p.50.) Christians are on a rescue mission in this world. I picture the “sin that so easily entangles us” (Hebrews 12:1) like a bog of quicksand. It is easy to get caught up in sin. The more we move, the more sin entangles us. As a peacemaker, I am to call sinners to repentance (2 Corinthians 5:20) and share the good news that God’s grace is greater than the power of sin. My anger should drive me to offer help to those in the quicksand of sin.
It is easy for me to respond to another person’s anger with my own anger. But being louder than the other party or winning an argument should not be my goal. A gentle answer turns away wrath (Proverbs 15:1). My anger should compel me to love, to offer help to a person struggling with sin. There will be times that we are called to be a Nathan to a brother or sister, offering a kind rebuke and speaking the truth in love. May God give us the grace to be self-controlled and slow to anger (James 1:19-20) so that his glory shines all the more in our response and in our taking advantage of the ministry opportunity that God has put before us. Soli deo gloria.
Many good thoughts, here. I anticipate frequently revisiting to read more deeply.