Last month we discussed How to Avoid Being Defensive When Criticized. This month we’ll take the next step and consider how we should respond once we’ve determined by God’s help not to be defensive.
Before you start speaking to a person you’ve offended, please remember not to apologize. Yes, you heard me right. Do NOT apologize. The word apologize comes from the greek word apologia, which means to offer a verbal defense. It is the same greek word from which we get the word apologetics, which means to defend the faith. According to Merriam-Webster, to offer an apology means to offer “a formal justification” or “excuse.” So the word apologize means to give a formal justification for yourself. (Even in its secondary definition, an apology means “an admission of error or discourtesy accompanied by an expression of regret.” Which frankly doesn’t go far enough Biblically.)
Instead of apologizing, a better and more Biblical response is to offer a confession to someone you’ve offended. Never do we see a command in the Bible to apologize. But there are commands to confess our sins. Consider these passages:
“Whoever conceals his transgressions will not prosper, but he who confesses and forsakes them will obtain mercy.” – Proverbs 28:13
“Therefore, confess your sins to one another and pray for one another, that you may be healed.” – James 5:16
People tend to think of confession as a bad thing. Perhaps we think of sackcloth and mourning. But we should see confession as a beautiful word. When confession is done properly, it brings true freedom. (See Psalm 32:3 and my blog post, What is More Miserable Than Conflict?)
Apologizing, a.k.a. defending and justifying, doesn’t offer true freedom. But confession brings true freedom. If we are to “put off” self-justification, we must “put on” the confessing of our sins to God and to those whom we have sinned against. It may seem obvious that we should not justify ourselves when we know we have sinned. But I have noticed that I may justify myself in very subtle ways. Sometimes I apologize by asking for understanding, not forgiveness. I do this when I say, “I’m sorry if I was angry with you, but I was upset because of what you did to me and that is why I snapped.” (See Matthew 7:3-5.)
I’ve also seen in myself a tendency to apologize by asking for forgiveness prematurely, before I know what my offense is. I make an idol of peace and believe that if I say sorry quickly I may be on my way back to peace sooner. But saying sorry isn’t the same as asking for forgiveness. There is a better way than offering a shallow apology.
We should pray to God to help us see our sin in its fullness. And when we see our sin, we should ask God to show us that his grace is greater than our sin (Romans 5:20). Godly guilt leads to life and peace. 2 Corinthians 7:10 states,”For godly grief produces a repentance that leads to salvation without regret, whereas worldly grief produces death.” If I’m not seeing my sin fully, it would be more sensible for me to say to the person I’ve offended, “I am beginning to see that I may have wronged you. Would you please help me to see how my heart appears to you and how I’ve impacted you by my actions.” Sin is blinding and the sinner is often the last person to know about it.
Ken Sande has a helpful tool, the Seven A’s of Confession, which can help you breathe grace by humbly and thoroughly admitting your wrong doings. These A’s are something you can use the next time you have a confession to make.
- Address everyone involved (All those whom you affected)
- Avoid if, but, and maybe (Do not try to excuse your wrongs)
- Admit specifically (Both attitudes and actions)
- Acknowledge the hurt (Express sorrow for hurting someone)
- Accept the consequences (Such as making restitution)
- Alter your behavior (Change your attitudes and actions)
- Ask for forgiveness
Yes, confession is a humbling thing, but it is also the pathway to freedom. Consider this promise in the book of James:
But he gives more grace. Therefore it says, “God opposes the proud, but gives grace to the humble.” Submit yourselves therefore to God. Resist the devil, and he will flee from you. Draw near to God, and he will draw near to you. Cleanse your hands, you sinners, and purify your hearts, you double-minded. Be wretched and mourn and weep. Let your laughter be turned to mourning and your joy to gloom. Humble yourselves before the Lord, and he will exalt you. – James 4:6-10
May God give us the grace to own our sin and give full and proper confessions because He defeated sin and death for us.
